Motivation. It's not what you think.

Have you ever listened to a "motivational speaker?"  They can be pretty exciting.  By the time they've finished speaking it's pretty normal to feel as if  you can do anything!  Filled with excitement and enthusiasm you decide to make major changes in your life.  From the way you approach your career to the energy you invest in your relationships, everything is going to change.  Stepping out bravely, you institute grand and sweeping plans to dramatically change and improve your life.  And then, something happens.  After a month, a week or maybe even later the same day, the motivation begins to fade.  The enthusiasm dampens and the will to change seems to just...disappear.  Which leads me to my belief that motivational speakers are a "dime a dozen"...and worth almost that much.  Just to be clear, there are some very talented speakers who talk about the same things as motivational speakers, but who are not motivational speakers themselves. Instead, they are men and women who have, often through hard experience, found what works and are eager to educate others about it.  For these people I have nothing but admiration and respect.  Jim Rohn was a good example of a gifted speaker who was far more than merely "motivational."

One problem with motivation, and motivational speakers, is that motivation cannot be truly given to someone. While it's true that people are motivated by different things, the motivation to change must ultimately come from the person who is trying to change.  A speaker can excite you, move you and temporarily share his or her emotion with you.  Those feelings are only temporary.  You can't borrow them permanently.  Instead you have to find your own.  After all, your reasons for changing your life, or some part of it, are yours.  No one should be as interested (or as excited) about those reasons as you.  If you're waiting to find the right person to motivate you to change, you could be waiting your entire lifetime.  Jim Rohn put it this way: "Don't wait for someone to motivate you.  What if he doesn't show up?"

Secondly, it's a mistake to confuse motivation with commitment.  Motivation may be "why" we change, but commitment is what keeps us doing what we have to do during those periods when the excitement isn't there and when we feel like giving up.  While it's vital to keep in mind why we've started down the road to change, it's equally important to be committed to the process, especially when it's appealing to quit.  Motivation can be thrilling, exciting and emotionally charged.  Commitment is strong, solid and tough.

Finally, motivation and education go hand in hand.  In fact, motivation without education is pretty worthless. It's education that gives my motivation direction.  It's education that teaches me not only how to change, but what to change and that change is even possible.  If I don't know that I need to change, that I can change and what to change, all my motivation and excitement are meaningless.  Jim Rohn, again:

• "Life change does not begin with inspiration.  Life change begins with education."
• "Motivation alone is not enough.  If you have an idiot and motivate him, now you have a motivated idiot."

If you want to change your life, you can.  If you want to make things better for you and those you love, you can.  Get the knowledge you need.  Find your reason and drive to change and then go make it happen.

Change your mind...change your life

Stay tuned...

3 Steps to Greater Focus

We hear a lot about focus.  "If you want to succeed you need laser-like focus" is a pretty common comment, often from those who are trying to help.  That sounds good, but how do you get this "laser-like focus?"  Once you get it, how do you keep it?  There are a few steps that will help you achieve greater focus.

1. You get focus by changing your perspective.  Far too many people have the "can't see the forest for the trees" syndrome.  While it's often important to attend to the many details of life, they can easily grab most or all of your attention.  Periodically, it's important to step back and take a good long look at the big picture. In practical terms, this means revisiting your dream sheet (you do have a dream sheet, don't you?).  Is there anything you want to add?  Anything you want to remove because the idea doesn't thrill you anymore?  It also means double checking your values.  Have any of them changed?  Are your values and dreams congruent?  This process gives a big picture perspective.
2. You get focus by being crystal clear about your goals.  Once you have the big picture you can look at your goals and action steps.  Do your goals support your values and dreams?  Do your action steps support your goals?
3. Now you can have focus.  You've moved from the big picture down to the close-in, immediate picture.  Now you have the clarity to focus on the things that matter.  The things that matter are your goals that move you toward your dreams and the action steps through which you achieve your goals.

As a rule, when we lose focus, it's because we're no longer clear about what we want and how we're going to get it.  If you've lost your focus, change your perspective, get crystal clear about your goals and actions and focus on what really matters.

The power of politeness

When I lived in Southern California one of my least favorite places to spend time was the line at the DMV.  It wasn't at all unknown to spend 45 minutes to an hour (or longer) waiting to be seen.  Then, once you got to the counter, you had the joy of speaking to a person whose approach to his or her job was one of less than boundless enthusiasm.  Sometimes these folks deserve the reputation they have for being rude and unhelpful.  I've been chastised and insulted by more than one public employee for things as ridiculous as resting my elbows on the counter and thus "invading" his or her personal space.  One day, I had an idea.  While I waited in line, I spent my time watching the interactions between customers and other customers, between staff members and between staff and customers.  I noticed that there was often a lack of politeness on the part of all parties, especially between customers and staff.  So, I decided to try something every time I went to the DMV.  I spoke politely to the staff and other customers.  If the person ahead of me had been rude, I made it a point to say something like "I'm sorry you had to put up with that behavior.  It must make your job harder."  I'd thank them for helping me.  An amazing thing started to happen.  While I still had to spend more time in line than I wanted, my interactions with the staff began to improve.  They became more willing to go a little further than required to help.  They smiled more.  They started saying things like "you're welcome" and "thank you" in something other than a monotone.  It didn't happen every time (there are, sadly, some people who just don't value politeness) but it happened often enough to be noticeable.  I tried the same thing with other customers and got similar results.

Perhaps you're old enough to remember hearing someone actually saying "you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar."  The point was that politeness is far more effective than rudeness in getting people to cooperate with us.  Taking the time to listen to others.  Asking questions about them.  Using their name when we speak to them.  Saying "please" and "thank you."  All of these are examples of what I call basic politeness.  Dale Carnegie's book entitled How to Win Friends and Influence People spends a great deal of time encouraging this politeness.  It's easy to look at his book as a primer on manipulation, but it really isn't.  Instead, it's a good guide to treating other people in a way that acknowledges their worth and value. In fact, one of the points made in the book is that if the things it teaches are used for manipulation, the manipulator is virtually guaranteed to get caught!  It's not about manipulation, it's about treating others with respect.  I had a conversation about politeness with my daughter.  She was upset that she had said "please" and hadn't gotten what she wanted.  I explained that politeness isn't to get what we want.  Politeness is about treating others the way we want to be treated (I seem to recall there is a Golden Rule that says something about how to treat people).  Does it have benefits?  Yes, it does.  If I'm not committed to treating other people with common courtesy, chances are I won't do it consistently enough to experience any of those benefits (another reason to not try to manipulate people).

Are people not responding well to you?  Do you find your interactions with others to be marked more by conflict than by cooperation?  Maybe you'd just like to have more pleasant interactions.   I'm certainly not saying you're impolite.  Still, since you can't control others, but only yourself, you might want to consider giving more attention to politeness a try.

What methodology do you use?

Recently, I had a person ask me "What methodology do you use in your therapy?"  I have to admit, it caught me by surprise.  Let me tell you why.  I'm a coach and hypnotist who also happens to be an RN (licensed in 3 states, currently).  I have extensive education and over 20 years experience in each of those areas. Question: With my credentials and experience, what therapy am I legally entitled to offer?  Answer:  None at all.  That's right.  None.  Zero.  Zip...you get the idea.  I am not a therapist.  I offer professional hypnosis and coaching services to my clients.  Now, I have experience in leadership.  I've done extensive work in mental health nursing.  I've led counseling groups and provided one-on-one counseling to mental health patients under the guidance and auspices of the institutions where I worked, but I am not a counselor or a therapist. On my website I note that what I provide is "vocational and avocational coaching".  Now, that certainly covers a lot of ground and it allows me to help a lot of people with a lot of different things, but it isn't therapy. For some reason it always catches me by surprise when people refer to it as therapy.  That's one reason I refer to myself as a hypnotist rather than as a hypnotherapist.  I want to help my clients avoid that sort of confusion.

Now, back to the question.  What methodology do I use?  This is how I answered the question.

While I've not been able to come up with a clever sounding title, my approach to coaching is to increase a client's awareness. That sounds sort of vague and “fluffy”. Since I try to avoid both vague and fluffy, let me explain.

In my experience, most people, regardless of how they define success and how much of it they have enjoyed, are profoundly unaware of:

• Their basic values
• Their passions
• How their underlying beliefs and attitudes affect their chances for success
  • How these same beliefs and attitudes have limited their success so far
• And the impact of their subconscious, acting in its capacity as a protective mechanism, on their lives

You'll notice that, at their heart, these are really “why” type questions (coaches are notorious for these, are we not?). This is where many of my clients wind up doing a significant amount of work during the coaching relationship. I use and teach specific tools and techniques to help them through what many people consider the least comfortable part of the process. It's after this that the “how” and “what” become not only easier to see, but far less tedious (or even enjoyable).

I hope this answers your question without being too long.

Thanks, again, for your comments.

Ken

A good portion of what you'll read on this blog reflects that approach.  I really believe that for most of us, being more aware of why we do what we do, why we want what (often think) we want and why we haven't achieved more than we have will bring us much close to achieving our goals than focusing so much on "how" and "what."  After dealing with the "why" questions, the others are easy.

Change your mind...change your life

Stay tuned...

I get out of this mess by...knowing what's important to me

I've said before that if my life is a mess, the way I get out of it is by learning to make more effective decisions.  That means I need to learn to make decisions that move me in the direction of my goals and that I need goals for different areas of my life that provide clarity about the kinds of decisions I should make.  Now, if you're like me the temptation at this point is to jump right into using the "latest and greatest" goal setting tool.  Problem solved, right?  Again, if you're like me, probably not.  Here's why.

As we move toward achieving our goals, the result is that our lives move in whatever direction the goals take us.  That's a good thing...as long as we like that direction.  If we don't like that direction, it's good only if we learn from it.  Then we can set other goals to take our lives in another direction.  But, what if we don't like that direction?  Well, we can set other goals to change direction again...I'm sure you get the idea.  We can go through life constantly making major course corrections.  Sometimes that's necessary.  Sometimes we have no choice but to make a major change or shift in what we do or how we do it.  For instance, let's say one of your goals has been to own and personally manage a combination dude ranch/bed and breakfast in the high country of Arizona.  You're going through life, putting things in place and taking the actions necessary to realize that goal.  Then, one day, you learn that you are terribly allergic to pine trees, especially Ponderosa pines.  In fact, your allergy is so profound that your doctor has told you that exposure to living Ponderosa pines could lead to anaphylactic shock and your likely death.   Given that the mountains of Arizona are home to the largest Ponderosa pine forest in the world, this is a significant problem.  In fact, it could very possibly result in you having to abandon this goal.  This is not the kind of problem I'm talking about, here.  This problem isn't related to not liking the direction your life is taking.  I'm talking about the kind of problem where you realize you hate cows, ranches, cowboys, bed and breakfast inns, being out in the country, solitude, the Rocky Mountains, pine trees and Arizona.  All of this after shaping a major portion of  your life to get something that involves all of these.

Somewhere along the way, if you find yourself having to constantly change goals and life direction, you might ask if there's not some way to avoid this.  Is there not some way to at least reduce the likelihood of having to make frequent and major changes in my life direction?  The answer is "yes."  It comes down to knowing what' important to you.  If you can clarify the values that matter most to you, then you can set goals that are consistent with those values.  I've worked with a lot of clients who have set goals and either not achieved them or been unsatisfied with achieving them simply because their goals conflicted with what was truly important to them.  Quite often the goals were based upon what they felt they should want or what other people told them to want rather than upon their own values and ideals.

So, the first step to setting good goals and making effective choices is know what's important to you.  There are a lot of tools available to help you do this.  Exercises that engage your imagination and lists of values that you can rank in terms of relative importance are available for free on the Internet.  If you have trouble with these, you can hire a coach to help you work through the process.  In fact, I encourage that because there's more beyond simply using the tool.  Still, if a coach is not a viable option for you right now, the tools are out there for you to use.  Find the one(s) that work for you and learn what really matters.  Life is so much easier and far more fulfilling when what you do matches what you care about.

Change your mind...change your life.

Stay tuned...

Write the book

Have you ever thought about writing a book? For many people the idea seems overwhelming. It was that way for me for a long time, even though I like to write. Fortunately, all that changed when I attended a webinar by Alicia Dunams entitled “How to Write a Bestseller in a Weekend.” She laid out with very specific, concrete examples the process for writing quickly a book that sells.. It was amazing in terms of what it has allowed me to accomplish. While I wasn't able to attend her weekend long class (Bestseller In A Weekend workshop) the webinar itself has made a huge difference in what I've been able to accomplish. I am convinced that had I been able to attend the weekend long webinar the results would have been even more amazing. I cannot recommend her highly enough. She really knows her stuff!

Sometime within the next month , my first book will be published. I don't really want to use this post to promote my book as much as to talk about my experience writing it. I've found the process of writing it to be more challenging than I expected. Still, it's been well worth the effort even if no one reads it. I've learned more about myself while writing than I have from any one activity in a very long time. It's also helped me really clarify some things I believed to be true for a long time. I still believe they are true. In fact, I'm more convinced than ever that they are. What's changed is that I see the relationships between what I write about and the behaviors I see from my clients much more clearly now. This clarity is changing the way I think about and practice both coaching and hypnosis. That alone makes writing the book worthwhile.

For anyone who has ever entertained even the tiniest of thoughts about writing a book, let me offer my strongest encouragement. Take the time. Contact Alicia and find a way to attend one of her events and write the book! For me, the process has been transforming. I'll certainly be attending her workshop as soon as I can find an open weekend in my schedule.

NOTE: Other than having attended her webinar, I have no relationship with Alicia Dunams or aliciadunams.com. I mention her solely because of the value her webinar has brought to my life.

Change your mind...change your life.

Stay tuned...

What you believe matters...a lot

Recently, I've noticed quite a few people on Facebook sharing a quote sometimes attributed to David Orr.  It goes something like this:
  

“The plain fact is that the planet does not need more successful people. But it does desperately need more peacemakers, healers, restorers, storytellers, and lovers of every kind. It needs people who live well in their places. It needs people of moral courage willing to join the fight to make the world habitable and humane. And these qualities have little to do with success as we have defined it."

It is also attributed to the Dalai Lama.  In that attribution, it seems to normally go like this:

"The planet does not need more 'successful people'. The planet desperately needs more peacemakers, healers, restorers, storytellers and lovers of all kinds. It needs people to live well in their places. It needs people with moral courage willing to join the struggle to make the world habitable and humane and these qualities have little to do with success as our culture is the set." 

I believe the frequency with which we see this quote indicates a problem with how people perceive success in our culture.  I have friends who define success solely in terms of money and finances.  Interestingly, these are the friends who seem most likely to be engaged in a long-term struggle to keep their heads above water.  Those who truly define success otherwise, while not viewing financial security as inherently evil, are on the whole far more financially secure.  I believe there is a clue here.

First, success is about a whole lot more than finances.  "Success is the progressive realization of a worthwhile goal or ideal" was Napoleon Hill's definition.  Many life and executive coaches use this definition.  Notice that it doesn't mention finances at all.  It remains the best I've ever heard or read.

Second, while success involves far more than finances, there is one very good thing about using financial stability as a kind of gauge.  Money is very easy to count.  Thus, it's pretty easy to tell if a person has his or her financial house in order.  If it's not in order, there is, I believe, a pretty good chance that other areas of life will also be out of order.

Third, no success, including financial success, can be built around an obsession with money.  I've never met anyone obsessed with money who couldn't have achieved and become more in every area of life if he or she hadn't been so consumed with making more money.

Fourth, what the world does not need, is more people who deny the reality, desirability and "achievability" of success.  We have more than enough of those running around, doing their best to convince everyone else to adopt their hopeless and negative view of life.  Their beliefs about success inhibit their ability to experience and enjoy what life has to offer and are toxic to those looking for a way to truly change things.

Fifth and finally, this leads me to a conclusion.  The world does need more successful people, and desperately so.  It needs people who are actively engaged in the progressive realization of  worthwhile goals and ideals.  It needs people who are constantly striving:

• to improve themselves
• to improve their situation, and
• to positively impact every situation and everyone they meet in meaningful ways

If you're ready to become one of those people, if you're ready to begin experiencing the progressive realization of worthwhile goals and ideals, welcome aboard.

Change your mind...change your life.

Stay tuned...